Grief - lesson one

My nephew died.  He was only 19.

Through the past two weeks, I have been learning the lessons of grief.  Our family has been walking the paths of sorrow through the valley of the shadow of death.  My nephew's mother is my sister and we are walking through the valley together, along with many other people. 

I know that other lessons and insights will come in the next weeks, months and years, but I am most struck today with how grief reveals our true self.

I have heard it said many times that as we grow older we become more of what we really are.  We lose either the ability or the desire to cover up our flaws.  We don't care what people think.  We let the world see who we really are on the inside.  This concept has often challenged me to be better and more led by the presence of the Spirit.  When the time comes that I am no longer capable of covering up my raw, true insides, I want peace and love and joy and self-control and patience to come through.  Not the selfish, insecure, prideful person who tries to reign in me.  The process is taking me an entire lifetime -- it is terribly difficult.

So, when I notice other people, I am also noticing myself.  Making observations of others, making corrections in me.

I say all of that to say this:  Grieving makes us raw and revealed.  In the past two weeks it has looked like this:

Servants serve.
Cooks cook the most delicious of meals.
Artists make art that inspires and comforts.
Gift givers give gifts that become treasures.
Talkers talk.
Angry people become angry.
Listeners listen attentively.
Runners run long distances.
Problem solvers solve problems that others can't begin to figure out.
Writers write beautiful notes and essays.
Withdrawn people withdraw even more.
Wise people share wisdom that gets us through a tough hour or day.

And all of it, the good and the bad, is okay.  We're on a journey to become more and more like Jesus and none of us is there, yet.  Our journey has taken a very sharp and painful turn, and in this turn we have lost our cover-up.  The grief has taken away our desire and ability to 'look good' around other people.  We are exposed.  We have become real.

Some of my guys

One of my guys likes to learn,

 

two of my guys like to smile, 

 

one of my guys likes to swing, 

 and one of my guys likes to just hang out.

 I love my guys.

Cake flop

 Last month I was looking through the Southern Living magazine and saw an article about one of their most requested recipes in the history of the magazine.  The recipe is for Hummingbird Cake and I knew I had to make it -- Sarah's birthday was coming up soon, my grandmother used to make Hummingbird Cake, and the cake has cream cheese icing!  I had no choice, but to try it.

The cake has simple ingredients, and this version has 4 layers with a custard filling between the layers.  I made the custard the day before so it could spend the night in the refrigerator.  My layers came out of the pan cleanly and the custard tasted delicious.  I stacked the cake together:  cake, custard, cake, custard, etc.  Everything looked great.  Then, I turned to whip up the cream cheese icing.  It was delicious, too! 

I was creating a masterpiece!

When I turned back to wrap the cake in cream cheese deliciousness, this is what I found:



 It was funny, I tell you!  I got the camera to capture such a beautiful swan dive, then got back to work salvaging the remains.  It is more fun than you may know to have your hands covered up to your wrists in cake and custard!  I slapped the cake back in its place, anchored layers together with toothpicks, and quickly sealed the whole disaster in a thick coat of cream cheese icing.

 

The result was still a little sketchy so I topped the whole thing off with flowers.

 

The flowers helped, but the sparkler birthday candles saved the day. 

 

That, and the smile of the birthday girl!



Solidarity

I woke up this morning with a feeling of solidarity with my mom and sisters.  We are all, in our own ways, fighting against cancer.

Mom's fight is an actual battle and she is waging war against ovarian cancer.  Cancer is an enemy that came, not unexpectedly, but as a surprise none the less.  At least two generations of women before her had fought the disease.  Brave, strong, courageous women.  Those traits are in Mom, and since we take the bad with the good, the cancer was in her, too.  She is fighting with the strength that comes from God, with chemotherapy, and with an indomitable spirit.

We had all hoped that since Mom had made it so long without facing cancer that maybe the cycle was broken.  When that hope wasn't realized, a very obvious thought came to our minds:  my sisters and I are next in line.  We asked for advice from the oncologist and her opinion was that we have a complete hysterectomy to remove the possibility for cancer to get us there.  She advised us to make an offensive strike in our fight.

And that is what we have done.  In order, oldest to youngest, in our own time.  My surgery was first while Mom was still undergoing a round of chemo.  Cathy next, and yesterday was Cheryl's turn.

Will this radically proactive step prevent cancer from attacking a fourth generation of women?  I don't know.  But, I'm not afraid.  Not one bit.

We are brave.  We are strong.  We are courageous.

And the God who is in the four of us is strong enough to save us from cancer or save us through it.

Birthday season

We are in the middle of grandchild birthday season around here.

It began on November 27th with this little guy turning 2.

I didn't know him that day, but I can't remember a day that I haven't loved him.  He is energetic, coordinated, cute, and all-boy.  He likes his hands to be clean and his cars to be in a straight line.  He likes his "guys" (his Star Wars characters), his dog, and he loves his family.

The next birthday was Jonathan's in December.  Because of all of the hulabaloo around the holidays, he hasn't had a party, yet.  He will soon, though, and I'll write about him then.

Lily's 5th birthday was yesterday.  She wasn't posing when I took this picture -- I was just lucky enough to capture her being her sweet self.  Lily is loving, confident, talkative, and friendly.  She doesn't like bugs.  At all.  She has a tender heart, she hurts when someone else hurts, and she is always ready with a warm, genuine hug.

Daniel and Bella finish up our short birthday season early next month.

Last year I started asking the children 20 questions that I found on the internet and decided to ask them these questions each year around their birthday.  Bennett is still too young to play this game, but on Sunday, I had my interview with Lily.  Here is an excerpt:

1.  What is your favorite color?
          Pink and purple......Red and dark blue.

2.  What is your favorite song?
          Jesus Loves Me.  At least that's the only song I know.

(And then she breaks out singing this made-up song)  "I'm not afraid of the animalssssss.  I'm not afraid of the bears or the lions or the snakessssssss."

3.  What is your favorite kind of cereal?
          The round kind.  The round kind called cereal.

4.  What do you want to be when you grow up?
          A police girl.

I had no idea this 20 question thing would be so entertaining!  I will share any insights from the other 3 Greers when I get my time with them.....

Protected

Today, I am thinking about everyone in the path of Hurricane Sandy.  

When the wind and rain begin there is nothing to do, but sit it out and wait for relief.

Jackie sent this picture from her back patio in Philadelphia.  Stay safe!

Grandcamp!

What happens when Ben and Abbie and David and Sarah all have a chance to be out of town at the same time?

You have Grandcamp!

For two days we...

wore crazy hats,

ate popsicles,

acted like a chicken,

ran with the chickens,

 

and laughed with the chickens.

We took good naps,

made silly faces,

 

played "Walnut Toss",

smiled for Minnie (through the trampoline net),

and we went to school.

:::   :::   :::   :::   :::

Nobody can do for children what grandparents can do.  Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of little children.

                                                                                             Alex Haley

And grandchildren sprinkle stardust on us, too.

What a blessing.

A Friday in Philly

As I write this I am sitting in Jackie's living room -- cell phone, Nook, camera, all nestled beside me on the couch, coffee in my hand, listening to the sounds of a Philadelphia city street.  Relaxing......

Jackie and Corey are at work today and I am free from responsibility.


No acres of grass needing to be cut.  (I love living in the country and I really do like yard work.)

No animals crowing, barking, meowing their needs to me.  (I do love them all, though.)

No laundry that needs to be washed, folded, repaired.  (Laundry is one of my favorite things to do.)

No calls from 1-800 numbers I don't recognize.

No dusty, dirty floors.


Some people are able to relax at home, but I'm just not one of them.  The types of jobs I have are never fully finished.  I love the life I am living and the work I do, but there is always some more that could be done.  And, I feel the weight of that 'more' most of the time.  Not that I don't sit down and rest.  I do.  But, I don't feel the total freedom that I experience when I'm physically away from it all. 

I'm certain that Jackie and I would have a wonderful time together if she was able to take the day off from work today, but I am so content to just be here in her home today. 

She says we are going on an eating tour of Philadelphia this weekend.  That makes me happy :)

Last night we walked down her street to this great place.

This is the Beer Garden at the Memphis Taproom.  It is an outside space with picnic tables in the front and a food truck in the back serving up gourmet hot dogs.  The weather was perfect and the space was full of happy people (and their dogs) eating and watching the Phillies game projected on the wall.

Tonight we will eat dinner at an Italian restaurant with waiters who sing opera every 15 minutes!  Can't wait.

Until then I will fill my day enjoying high-speed internet.  I plan to watch lots of tutorials on my photo editing software and hopefully learn how to use it.

Happy Friday!

Scents of grandparents past

Two times in the last two days I have had memories of my grandparents wash over me while I worked in the yard.  Both times the memories were brought up by smells and both times I had a warm, loved feeling inside.

Yesterday, while I was using a pitchfork to get some hay for the chicken pen, I remembered Grandmother and Granddaddy Atkinson's hay barn.  As I pulled layers of hay from a round bale, the smell of that hay knocked me back in time.  All the way back to the mid-70's when my sisters, my cousins and I would play hide-n-seek in a barn stacked tall with square hay bales.

Today I cut the grass around a fig tree and remembered the one in Mama and Papa Skaggs' back yard.  My memory isn't so much of the figs, but of the back yard.  Always well-manicured, with a small garden and a work shed full of tools.

I wonder what smells will remind our grandchildren of us.  Maybe it will be...

Bubble bath

Chicken scratch feed

Fresh cut grass

Chicken nuggets

Chocolate Oatmeal cookies

Smoke from a fireplace

Movie popcorn

Lotion

Cabbage Patch doll heads

Pine woods while on a walk

Homemade pizza fresh from the oven

I don't know what it will be, but when a smell makes them time travel back to me, I hope they know it is the smell of love.

White shirts on the beach

One of my favorite vacation memories is a beach trip I took with my sisters, Jackie, and Abbie.  Hard to believe, but that trip was almost five years ago!  Sarah was living in Colorado and couldn't join us.

So much has happened in those five years.  Some of it really good, some of it really hard.

On this day we had not met Corey or Dennis.  We didn't know how much we could love Lily, Daniel, Bella, or Bennett.  None of us lived in Philadelphia and none of us had plans to.

Ovarian cancer had not touched our lives.

We are all still here, though.  I thank God for that.  And if we all live until September we will go on a cruise together, this time with Sarah and Mom.

And I hope we will all wear white shirts and have our picture taken.

The thing I learned about bamboo

David planted some bamboo at our house last year.

I don't know anything about bamboo.  David knows everything about bamboo.  He said when, where, how, and why to plant it.  I said, "Okay."

I'm just compliant like that.

A couple of weeks ago he called and asked me to look at the base of the stalks from last year to see if they had sent up any shoots.  That day, there were no shoots.

The next day, there was this:

Two days later:

Four days:

Ten days later this baby bamboo was taller than its daddy!

So, what did I learn about bamboo?

That stuff grows fast!

A birthday quilt

Several months ago I asked Sarah and Abbie to go through my embroidery threads and put together some color combinations they liked.  That way, if I ever made something for them, I could put it together with colors they like.

I decided to make a lap quilt for Sarah's birthday and it was so much fun to make it, knowing that the colors were some she would like.  The bonus for me was that I liked them, too!

The quilt is very scrappy and I was able to use a few fabrics that will have some meaning to her.  There are a couple of pieces from the bedding she used when Daniel and Bella were born and another piece from a dress of Bella's.

Wouldn't this quilt look good laying on the ground with someone taking a nap on it?  Ahhh.....makes me sleepy!

Easter 2012

Our Easter was full of thankfulness and of family.  Here, in no particular order because I can't seem to get blogger to cooperate with me today, are some pics of the day.  Ben and Abbie were there, too, but I didn't get good pictures of them.  Sorry, guys!

Easter lunch has been at JoJo's house for years.  When I turned the corner into her little kitchen, I found all of these pretty girls helping to get lunch on the table.

 Bennett took a nap during the egg hunt, but he was ready to play when he woke up.

When you wear a white skirt and don't want to get it dirty, you can always sit on your uncle.

Little Princesses

Last night the girls in the family went to see the Disney princesses in a show in downtown Montgomery.  Lily and Bella were so excited to see Cinderella, Snow White, and Belle.  Lily was dressed in her best twirly skirt, Bella was wearing her silver, sparkly shoes.  They oohed and ahhed over the other girls dressed up in their best princess costumes.

I feel blessed to be a part of such small excitements.  I never thought that I would have the opportunity to be a daily person in the lives of our grandchildren, but I am.  We see each other at church, we drop in at each other's houses, we run errands together, we have slumber parties, we feed the chickens.  

We are family and we are familiar.

During the finale of the princess show, the entire cast came out on stage dressed in their most beautiful, sparkling costumes.  The lighting was wonderful and the overall effect was magical.  Lily had climbed in my lap and I asked her, "Lily, isn't that beautiful?"

She responded, "All of their dreams are coming true!"

Mine are, too.

Why I love my grandchildren

Reason #438 - they enthusiastically go along with their Minnie's silly parties

Me:  Jonathan, I think that we should have a potty party for Daniel and Bella since they are potty-trained!
J:  That is a great idea since 'party' and 'potty' both begin with a 'P'.

4 days later

Me:  (on the phone) Hey, Jonathan!
J:     Oh, hey, Minnie!
Me:  I have been thinking about the party for Daniel and Bella.
J:     Oh, right!
Me:  Since 'party' and 'potty' both begin with a 'P', I think we should eat foods that begin with a 'P'.  What do you think?
J:     That's a good idea!  But, all I can think of is pizza.
Me:  I know, but we just ate pizza together on Sunday, didn't we?  I was thinking about some other 'P' foods.  What about pears?
J:     Pears!!  That is a great idea!  Oh!!  And we need the right kind of pickles.  We will need the sweet kind.
Me:  Got it!  And what about having pasta sauce with meatballs?
J:     Ummm.  Okay.  (Not much enthusiasm there.)
Me:  For dessert we can have pie and pudding.
J:     Right!  Be sure to get the chocolate kind of pudding.  And, I also like the kind that has some vanilla in the middle of the chocolate.
Me:  That is a great idea!

Our menu:

Meatball sub sandwiches with Pasta sauce

Pears

Pickles

French fried Potatoes

Key Lime Pie

Pudding

:  :  :  :

Reason #439 - they love any little gift they get from me

Lily and Bennett are headed to the beach this weekend so I went to Target and bought them some little beach gifts.  Lily's is a straw-looking fedora sun hat with Hello Kitty trim and I got her some Hello Kitty sunglasses.  When I got to her house she was already dressed up in full princess costume.  She added the hat and sunglasses to her look and then went to check it all out in a mirror.   I could hear her talking to herself from the next room:

Lily:  This is just amazing!!  I look amazing!

After I had left and it was time for Lily's afternoon rest there was a thunderstorm rolling in.  She is a little fearful of thunder so Abbie told her about the storm and to expect to hear some thunder while she rested.  Lily said:

I'm not scared.  My hat keeps me safe.

:   :   :   :

A grandchild fills a space in your heart that you never knew was empty.

                                                                          Unknown

:  :  :  :

With a little help from my friends

On Saturday morning I achieved a personal goal:  I participated in a 5K race!  My time was nothing to crow about at all and when I crossed the finish line I had to sit on the sidewalk for about 5 minutes before I could think.  Or move.  Let me put it this way:  a 5.5K race would have killed me.

In spite of that, there are two things about running the race that I really liked, though.

Four months ago I couldn't run more than two minutes at a time.  I like that I was able to work hard and get better at something.  I haven't experienced that enough in my life, but it sure feels great, and I like it!

I would never have done this alone.  Not the race, and not the preparation.  I'm just not motivated enough to do that.  But with Cheryl and Abbie by my side, I was able to do the hard work to get in better shape.  And then to get up early on a chilly Saturday to jog down the street.  I like that.  

Thanks, girls!  And, thanks to Ben, Brandon, and Jenny for running with us, too!

The boy in the middle

There are several reasons for me to love this picture.

The reason I am posting it here today is because of the little boy in the middle.  While his PawPaw was searching the internet and his daddy was glancing at a magazine, Bennett was gladly turning the pages of his little book.

He looked so happy.  And felt so secure.  And is so loved.

Time travel cookie day

Decorating sugar cookies takes me back in time.

For Ben's first birthday we gave him a Fisher Price barn set. It is the one with the hayloft door that says "Moo" when you open it.  Instead of wrapping the barn for him to open, I used it as a decoration and theme for his party.  I set it out on our built-in china cabinet and laid out the barnyard.  The horse ate out of his trough while the sheep munched on grass in its fence and the farmer rode his tractor.

That was one of my first adventures in icing sugar cookies.  I used gingerbread men cookie cutters and made little farm people to eat :)

That was almost 30 years ago, though, and I am out of practice, to say the least.  These cookies are for a party for Lily and Bennett.  I really wish I had done a run-through about week ago.  I would have made my mistakes on cookies for me to eat instead of on cookies for someone else.  I did find out that polka dots cover a lot of flaws.

While looking online for recipes I found a fantastic site.  The Sweet Adventures of Sugarbelle is a blog all about decorated cookies.  With her help my cookies didn't spread too much and the icing worked perfectly.  If she would just jump on over here and use her talent on the actual decorating, I'd be set!

They are pretty cute, though, aren't they?

Okay.

Sometimes I just need to reboot my brain.

Several years ago I was working in my CPA job in a firm here in town.  I spent most of my days huddled over a computer or some green spreadsheets solving problems and getting the columns to balance.  After a couple of hours of intently focusing on the numbers I would need a little break.  I would get up, walk down the hall, come back to my chair and then I'd say,

"Okay."

I don't know why I had to say this, but somehow by taking the little break and by saying the word, I was rebooted and ready to go again.  Without it I would get a little paralyzed and not be able to think past where I was on the paper.

So, right now I am saying, "Okay".  Rebooting.

I've been busy for the past couple of weeks, not paralyzed at all, but I have felt like I didn't do quite enough to acknowledge the end of 2011 and the start of 2012.  Right now, though, I am putting 2011 to bed.  No need to rehash the good and the bad and to learn from it all.  No need to make some sort of big NewYear'sResolutionList.

Okay.

One more thing, though, about the end of 2011.  On December 15, Daryl and I celebrated our 32nd anniversary.  For the past few years we have tried to take a picture of ourselves on our anniversary.  When I see this picture I am so grateful for the years we have had together.  I'm happy that we have lived long enough together to be bald and wrinkled and still in love.

Firewood

On Monday all of the stars lined up just right.  Daryl was off of work.  Caleb was off work and was able to get the log splitter.  Webb was out of school and available to help us.  And one of the trees in the edge of the woods volunteered to keep us warm for the next few weeks.

Caleb is getting married soon and will live in a house with a fireplace so he is motivated to stockpile some wood.  Webb is agreeable and comes to help us for the price of a little food and a little cash.

In about half a day they were able to split enough wood for us and Caleb to get several good rows of firewood.

Isn't it just beautiful?  

I really love firewood.